Currently Listening Rent (2005 Movie Soundtrack) see related

ok...so i have to wonder, to question, why people want what they can't have!  i find myself telling my sister about the boy that i wanted to date more than anything in november... and now, i'm with my boyfriend and i'm happier than i ever could have been with the original boy.  i didn't need to be with him and i think the thing that was so appealing about him was that i couldn't have him, that and he had the guts to go after me, enough to the point where i knew he was interested anyway....but why is it that i wanted him even more once i knew it wasn't going to happen?  do we all need someone to want?  do we need that someone that we know is totally wrong for us?  and beyond that, i find that now that i am happy and he no longer has a chance, he is there a lot more.  he's willing to call me and talk to me, and ask me to come to his room and if he can come to mine...tragic for him, i continue to avoid seeing him because i feel that i know what he wants...little does he know that i would not mind being his friend if it were possible that i could see him and not get jumped! 

however, thinking of him creates a whole new question...and in talking to my friends i found that i am not the only one to think this.  do i still talk to him because i want to be wanted?  there is a song that says "i want you to want me, i need you to need me"...is it possible that every person needs to know that someone wants them?  do we need that to be confident in ourselves?    it is easy to rely our selfworth on another person...it is much more difficult to get it from within.  we have always been told to have high self esteem...but there's that little thing that is left out, when we have high self esteem people look at us and assume we think we're better than them.  this is not true...but where is the line?  how do we know where high self esteem stops and the other begins?  if we rely on other people to tell us we no longer have to think about it.  so for a person to be happy do they need to be wanted, to want what they can't have, and to have someone telling them who they are all along?  i know who i am...i struggle...i cry and get my feelings hurt....but all along i know that to be happy i need to find that little thing inside of me that holds the glow every person has within them.

Currently Listening A Rush of Blood to the Head By Coldplay see related

new semester...new classes...same old crap...too much work, not enough time to do nothing!!  so here's the thing...after a break full or "tests"..trust me you don't want to know and i don't want to tell...i'm back in good old, very cold, BG....thus far, i have had crazy VPA stuff for AOII (i know that was too many letters at once), and i am starting all those very crazy, not always fun, classes....one of which, IPC, there is only one other freshman...now that's intimidating....but like i said...rather interesting break....worked at good old bob's, spent and extremely large amount of time with my friends, and (totally out of character), drank...no not just drank...drank until i couldn't stand, played drinking games (got my butt kicked), and in general made as ass out of myself, but i have no regrets, why would i, i'm in college, it happens....there was one extremely good thing that came out of this break, and because of him i am so happy....just trust me....if you don't already know what's going on i'm amazed....i tried to tell my friends after telling one and they all knew already....darn the closeness...oh well i still love them all!!  and, just for anyone who's curious about "the problems"  from before...i'm fine, promise....

this is only for leah: i missed you when i was home....things just aren't the same without you there and when you come home be sure to call me and i will drive back to see you...much love!

laters babies...